Mistletoe Fiasco
by 8DRainbowManVan8D
Summary: Holidays have always sucked. They always make people go insane and do the craziest crap! And my office decided to have a holiday party... Oh god, the things I saw. It's shudder worthy. But maybe my hot red headed coworker can distract me enough that I won't be completely scarred for life. He is a most welcome distraction from all this holiday crap. GrimmIchi. KenKaku Happy Holidays


Doing something QUITE a bit different from my usual stuff.

Maybe it's because I'm actually feeling happy and upbeat! How long has it been since I was last honestly this content in life?! TOO LONG!

HA HAAAAA! ENJOOOOOOOOY! (brought to you by Fagottron)

WARNINGS! Crude humor, language, sexual themes

.:.~O3O~.:.

~.:. Mistletoe Fiasco.:.~

Ya know what I've always loved about the holidays? The innate ability of every human being on the planet to completely lose their minds. Makes me wanna go run and buy roses for everyone and spread the love! I mean, who doesn't love the Black Friday warriors –cough cough _lunatics_ cough cough –that shove and fight and scream? Or maybe the hyper little kids who seem to be running around like they just snorted crack cocaine. Or perhaps the big _jolly_ man himself? Why did anyone _ever_ think it was a great idea to promote obesity?!

Yeah… I guess I'm what you'd call a scrooge and _fuckin'_ proud of it! I'm the one who throws snowballs at the dad carrying several too many gifts on the slippery ice. Just to watch him fall and everything go flying. Of course then, I walk by and tell him to be more careful next time, assholes everywhere who'd do that kinda shit.

I hefted the scarf tighter around my mouth and neck, pulling my coat closer to my chest. What I hate worse than the holidays themselves is the fucking _weather_. I _hate the fucking cold._ And snow? Don't get me started. Why the hell would we ever need anything that was so cold, it liked ta freeze nuts off?

Like seriously… I was freezing my nuts off right now. I cupped my hands around them trying to start a fire as I strolled down the street, an uncomfortable grimace on my face. Mothers out with their children gave me disgusted stares that I returned just as liberally. The guys looked at me and gave me looks of understanding sympathy.

Their eyes all said, 'Dude… I understand. My jingle bells are frozen stiff too and they're ridin' a little too close to the Christmas tree for comfort…'

I snorted and continued down the street, running my fingers back through my slicked blue locks. The ground was treacherous as I leaned against the cold traffic pole, waiting for my chance to cross the congested street. I think there were more people walking into stores than actually in cars. Fuck… I should've driven to work this morning. As the traffic light turned red our white little guy on the walk screen popped up and they all travelled like enraged beasts.

You're supposed to _walk, not STAMPEDE!_ Swear to _god_, I could hear grunts and roars like wild animals. For a second, I was fuckin' scared I'd get trampled! The current swept me away and I felt myself being pulled under, fear swallowed me. And I reached out of the flow of monstrosity and cried out for help as I felt my death imminently coming.

When, by saving grace, a strong hand grasped mine and suddenly I was being yanked free of the river of holiday insanity. With wide eyes, I watched the rush of people running by, eyes mindlessly set and robotic-like in their determination. I think they were set to 'eliminate all obstacles.' Kinda half expected people to break out shot guns and start slamming people into dust, screaming 'That's mine, _bitch!'_

I gulped as I could actually hear the laughter echoing as the world burned to the ground. Shaking the terrifying thought of old women and bloody fists of victory, I finally turned to look at my savior. Now, any normal day, he was hard to look at…

But with snow _everywhere reflecting light…._ He was luminescent. I shielded my eyes with a hoarse cry. "Jesus, Ikkaku! Put a hat on, yer fuckin' burnin' holes in ma poor retinas! I need 'em to see, dammit! This place is a friggin' battle zone!"

I peaked from around my arm and watched as his face turned red, his eyebrow twitching. "Hey! That's the thanks I get fer savin' yer ass?! Maybe I should shove ya back inta the lion's den! Huh?! That what ya want?! I should let those sharks tear ya apart!"

I laughed, deciding to take it as him just joking and not being serious... His eyes said otherwise, but we started walking towards work once more. I looked him up and down, bundled to the brim… except his blinding head. Which doesn't make sense because he hates the cold more than I do.

"Hey, Rudolph, with yer dome so bright!" I called out to him, a snorting smirk stretching my lips. Eyes that burned like fire turned to me as I snickered and nodded towards his bare head. "Where the hell's yer hat?"

There was reigning silence for a good while as we walked through the crowds, his cheeks red as if embarrassed and head pointed down. "…. Found it was easier to travel with it off than on."

Confused, "What?" How the hell did that make sense, but then I honestly looked around and realized… It _was_ much easier. Wondering why, I watched the people we passed. They looked at Ikkaku and gasped, hands flying to their faces as they lurched away as if stricken. Some stumbled around into other people knocking them away as they tried to blink the blinding dots out of their eyes.

I laughed. Like fuckin' _roared_ with laughter, my gut aching with the intensity of it. My neck was bent in half backwards as we walked, my hands holding onto his shoulder and I could tell he was burning a scowl into the side of my head. "Sh-Shut up! It's workin', ain't it?! Free loaders don't get a say in nothin'!" He all but screamed at me and I laughed harder as we finally entered into our office building.

The receptionist behind the table barely spared us a bored look of contempt before he was looking back down, pink strands falling about his glasses. "This isn't a zoo, you monkeys. Either calm down or leave."

As we passed I gave him the finger. "Get yer boyfriend's dick outta yer ass, Szayel. Or eat a Snickers one, yer uptight when when yer hungry."

He glared heatedly as we stepped into the elevator, laughs shaking our frames, Ikkaku holding onto my shoulder as he guffawed at the ground. He was doubled over clutching his stomach as if he was about to explode. I shared the same sentiments. The roiling pain in my stomach from laughing so hard had me feeling like a parasitic-something-or-other was gonna tear its way out.

As we tried to gather our wits about us, we rode up in the elevator to our floor. Wiping tears from our eyes, residual chuckles escaping our clenched lips, the doors pulled open and I swear we died and went to hell.

All laughter escaped us and we both paled. There were red and green and lights everywhere, the normal lights dim and soulful Christmas music playing. Holly, ornaments, even _mistletoe_ hung everywhere. Orihime, standing on a small foot stool smiled excitedly over at us.

I don't know who spluttered harder, Ikkaku or I. Uryu just so happened to pass in time to get the worst of the shower. He grimaced and hid his face behind his arm. "Say it, don't spray it you barbarians."

We watched horrified as he held the box out to Orihime, who exclaimed happily and pulled out more ornaments. I stumbled along in shock towards my cubicle, pulling off my outerwear in a haze, leaving the articles where they lay. Walking on autopilot I didn't even notice Uryu, unable to see over the huge box in his arms, got his feet tangled in my scarf and tumbled to the floor with a giant clatter and a girlish squeal.

Heads poked out from office cubicles in frightened surprise, staring at the downed man, Chad running over to help him up, ornaments rolling around as he rubbed Uryu's abused head. Uryu's eyes rolled around dazedly as he muttered, "What the hell happened?"

I slipped into my cubicle watching Ikkaku tread carefully around the mess of festive colors and body parts. As soon as I sat down in a horrified daze, Ichigo rolled in front of my space opening, sitting backwards on his office chair, arms resting on the back of it and chin resting on them. He stared at me, "Hey, Grimm."

I finally focused on him and rubbed my aching temples. Why hell were holidays so horrible for the brain? There was nothing enjoyable about this time of year. It made everything hurt. I groaned as I waved at him. "Hey, Ichi… What the _hell_ is going on out there? Why in _god's name_! Is Orihime hanging up Christmas shit?"

My cubicle neighbor rubbed his chin and scowled in thought. "Well, ya know how she's been pesterin' boss 'bout havin' an office Christmas party?"

I froze and slowly turned to look back at him, horror covering my face. "… No fuckin' way… She _actually_ got _ol' 'rip-yer-face-off' Kenpachi_ to _actually say yes?!"_

He smirked with morbid humor. "Shocking, right? Hell, the party's today. You should totally stay and join in the festivities."

With a snort of monstrous proportions, I glared at him. "I hate the holidays and I hate most the people I work with here. Why the hell would I waste time doing something I _completely_ hate?"

Ichigo laughed heartily. "Aw c'mon, Grimm. Ya don't hate me and I'll be there!"

I looked him up and down as he turned to roll back to his own cubicle. Taking in the view of his form fitting suit and dress pants, my eyes drank him in, up and down. He was right. I didn't hate him. Mmmmm, the exact opposite actually.

With a perverted grin I called to his cubicle. "Well, since ya totally twisted ma leg… I'll do it jus' fer you, Ichigo." I heard him snort as we both got back to work.

.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.

…. _What the HELL had I been thinking?!_

I could've been _sleeping_ in a drunken stupor right now, in my boxers, hand at home resting in the lining of them, on the couch with an action flick on! I wouldn't be here ready to rip my beautiful locks out strand by strand because in all honesty I'd rather be as bald as Ikkaku than stay here another second.

Orihime was running around, giving everyone little gifts while exclaiming '_MERRY CHRISTMAS!'_

I wanted to run and hide under my desk and never pop back out, or at least not until summer time when it was safe. The music was horrible, there was no alcohol –insert damn near manic scream here –and there were festive activities to do like pin-the-nose-on-the-reindeer.

… No seriously. There were _actual_ office workers playing _pin-the-nose-on-the-reindeer. _Cute little Rudolph and everything. I think I'm gonna go hang myself with a wreath.

If ya need me, I'll be dangling from the wall.

As I stepped towards the ring of berries –my instrument of death –Ichigo stepped up, some non-alcoholic egg nog in his hands. He glanced around the party. "So, what chya think so far?"

I didn't even pause to answer, looking at the wreath and assessing its durability. "It fucking sucks."

He nodded in agreement, "Yeah well, I heard Orihime say it gets better later."

With monotone sarcasm I replied, "Oh _goody."_

He laughed and rubbed at his neck. "No _seriously!_ She said that everyone was in for a _big _surprise later on, that we're jus' waiting for it to get here."

I skeptically raised my eyebrow at him, wreath of death momentarily forgotten. "Do ya have any idea what it is?"

"Not the slightest clue, but she said it was gonna be good."

With a grimace I crossed my arms. "_Good?_ Ichigo… Orihime and _good_ don't go together well. They don't mix at all. In _fact_, good to _her_ is like… like mustard and poptarts."

Ichigo just gave me the craziest look. "… Well yeah but still, we should at least give her a shot. She went to all this effort, ya know?"

Shaking my head I sighed. "Yeah yeeaaah… I know." I glared and pointed viciously at him. "But I ain't eatin' nothin' that looks like it's gonna grow legs and run away at any given moment."

My red headed companion burst into laughter, the low lights catching his eyes and making them glow. I felt my heart beat a little fast and blood rush to my cheeks. I looked away as he swiped at his eyes, nodding. "Fair enough, Grimm. Fair enough."

I opened my mouth to say more on the topic when Ikkaku wrapped his arm around my neck in an almost strangle hold. Bewildered, I turned to him. He glared out a painful smile. "Hey guys!" He grit out through clenched teeth.

Ichigo looked confused. "Ikkaku? What the hell you doin' here? I never woulda thought I'd see you at one 'a these things!"

My bald friend's eyebrow twitched. "Yeah? Me neither! Damn woman over there," He motioned with a head jerk towards Orihime, "said I wouldn't wanna miss this one. That _I_ had the biggest surprise of all. Whatever the hell that meant. And when I still said no, she threatened to feed me her…. _Fruit cake."_

We all shuddered in horror. Ikkaku glared away. "So now I'm stuck here, _listening _to Renji prattle on about nothing while Rukia tries to find Rudolph's nose." He gripped and shook my shoulders violently. "IT'S HORRIBLE I TELL YOU! HORRIBLE!"

Everyone turned to stare at us while Ikkaku tried to gather his breath, Ichigo and I sharing a worried look. I brushed his hands off of me as I took a couple steps back, just for safety, ya know?

Orihime finally got around to us giggling, presents in her hands. "Merry Christmas Ichi, Grimmie, and Kaku-chan!" She held them out to us, the vein in Ikkaku's temple ready to explode everywhere. Grudgingly, he wrapped his fingers around the box and yanked it from her hands.

Ichigo and I were a _little_ _bit_ more docile, we let her set them in our palms. Ichigo even returned the statement. I just glared.

He then continued to motion around. "So, when is the surprise getting here?"

Orihime giggled behind her hand like she knew something and it was _pure evil_. I swear all three of us grown men felt ice flood our bodies and freeze us to the spot. She laughed merrily. "Oh, he should be here any moment! Chad is currently setting up the chair right now!"

I shared a look with Ikkaku. "Chair? What the hell we need a chair for?"

She rolled her eyes and smiled at me. "For Santa, of course! Who else?"

Shock almost knocked us all back onto our asses as we all three exclaimed, "_SANTA?!"_

And then the door kicked in, knocking the music track off balance and killing it silent. A big giant black boot with white fur lining the top stood in midair where the door used to be. It lowered itself and in stepped a massive red and white suited beast, jingle bells and pointy hat included. It scowled at us, the giant leather sack swung over its shoulder reminding me of a giant body bag.

All the blood pulled from everyone's faces _except _Orihime's. She giggled and clapped her hands hopping up and down. The monster glared at us all, dropping the sack to the ground and strode over to the holiday throne in the middle of the room. Throwing itself into the red cushions, it assessed us all.

Ikkaku recovered first, stumbling forwards to the beast. "K-K-_Kenpachi?!"_

The monstrous man smirked and tilted his head at Ikkaku. Swore I saw death in those eyes. Ikkaku stumbled closer. "Boss… Why the _hell_ are you _dressed like that?"_

The man threw his head back and cackled when abruptly he grabbed hold of Ikkaku's wrist and pulled him forwards. "Because I'm fucking Santa Clause. Ho. Ho. Ho."

There was a collective gulp around the room as he yanked Ikkaku into his lap. "Why don't jya sit down an' tell me what ya want fer Christmas?"

I think I heard everyone's brains stop working and multiple thumps of people's jaws hitting the floor, mine included. Instantly, Ikkaku was fighting. "What the hell are you going on about?! Dammit, boss! What're ya tryin' ta do?"

The massive intimidating man, only yanked the poor guy further into his lap. "What am I tryin' ta do? Well…." He rubbed his scarred jaw in mock consideration. "I'm jus' tryin' ta give ya what ya want fer Christmas."

Oh god… his smirk was downright _nasty._ It was whispering promises of what it was gonna do to him.

Herk! I could feel my stomach trying to punch its way up my throat and out of my mouth. I'm pretty certain I was green too. And Ikkaku, the damn fool, was blushing. _Outraged_, but _blushing._

Ughh…

Kenpachi pulled my friend closer to him, Ikkaku's legs overtop of his own, "So c'mon, tell me what ya want…"

Ikkaku choked back on an exhale and clenched his teeth shut, face blaringly red. "Fuckin' A, sir. This is fuckin' embarrassing! I gotta face these people fer the rest'a my life and yer gonna pull this shit?!"

The smug smirk melted from Kenpachi's face only to be replaced with an unamused frown. "Ya wanna reason to do this? Fine, I'll take away all yer choices."

He yanked a big chunk of mistletoe free from the wall and hung it over their heads. We all watched in shocked horror. Evil laughter pouring from Orihime's lips filled the silence.

Kenpachi ignored everyone else and glared at Ikkaku. "Alright. Either kiss me now in front of everyone or I'll challenge your manhood."

My friend's eyes narrowed. "You wouldn't dare…"

Kenpachi smirked like the beast he was, the bells in his hair jingling as he jerked his head to face us all. "Ikkaku Madarame refuses to rise to my challenge and is therefore unworthy to call himself a ma-!"

Our boss was cut off as Ikkaku smashed his lips to Kenpachi's and everything went to hell in a hand basket. The giant man smirked against his lips and yanked his head closer to his own, lifting Ikkaku and spreading his legs around his waist. We all watched in horror as he thrust upwards into Ikkaku's groin, a loud breathy moan filling the office space.

I think if we weren't all shocked frozen we would've all spontaneously combusted and turned to ashes. With mounting horror, we watched our boss wrap his arms around Ikkaku's waist and thrust hard enough against him to lift him off his lap, lips pulling apart as my friend threw his head back and moaned brokenly. I watched the dim lights catch on a long trail of spit between their lips, Kenpachi's lips split in a victorious smirk laughter slipping past his teeth.

Their faces looked caught between rapture and torture. Despite my growing revulsion, my face flushed with heat. And then, the beast flipped Ikkaku behind him into the chair and placed his knee between his legs, spreading his thighs out across the arm rests. I watched as Kenpachi's hand closed around a sizable bulge and began rubbing it.

"_MY EYEEEEEEEES!" _Everybody jumped out of their frozen shock at Renji's screaming horror. Everyone began heaving air in and out of their lungs in fright. Kenpachi shot us all a heated glare of bored contempt as Ikkaku panted for breath underneath him.

"Y'all don't like what yer seein' you can kindly get yer asses outta here!" He spoke at us all tersely.

Ikkaku grabbed his chin and turned Kenpachi to face him again, glaring hotly. "Damn you, sir. But don't stop in the middle of this. Finish what ya _started!"_

My boss cackled as he leaned back into the smaller man. "Of course, _lovely."_

Before Ikkaku could complain, they were kissing again and rutting against each other. And everyone took off running and screaming. I hurriedly looked around.

_Where the fuck was my wreath!? Dammit! Put me out of my misery!_ I ran to the wall frantically, as the confusion grew, everyone running like beheaded chickens, Orihime skipping around the room laughing.

In the insanity a hand wrapped around my arm and yanked me into an empty corner office. Gathering my balance, I glared up at whoever grabbed me, listening to the sounds of everyone squeezing into the elevators and pounding down the stairs. Glancing out the window, I saw Renji running with his girlfriend Rukia thrown over his shoulder.

Looking back into the shadows, my captor stepped forwards. Shock once again filled me as he came into the light. "I-Ichigo? What the _hell?"_

His cheeks were flushed and his eyes averted. But he didn't answer so I tried again. "What is it you want, Ichi? Couldn't it wait until we escaped this hell hole? Get away from the scariest Santa Clause I've ever seen and his…. _Mister_ Clause cuz they're certainly making… _merry_ out there… Dammit, this is why I hate holiday shit. It all gets so insane!"

He glanced at me from the corner of his eye. As I stepped towards the door, getting ready to make my big escape, he grabbed me again and pulled me close. I jerked my head to look back at him, confusion filling me. His eyes stared shyly into my own. "Grimm… I didn't think I'd get another chance like this to confront you but…"

Ichigo began stepping towards me, a certain gleam in his eyes I'd never seen before and it made my heart race and heat burn in my cheeks. My back pressed against the wall and I looked over my shoulder to stare at it. My breath caught in my throat when I felt him press against my chest.

Directing my sight back to him, I jerked to attention. His eyes were smoldering and melting my icy core. "Grimm… Look up." He motioned with his eyes. When I looked up, I couldn't help but burst out with ironic laughter, shaking my head exasperatedly. He continued. "I wanted to say this before I lost my chance."

"Really? Ichi, really? Ya didn't need all the cloak and dagger. I would've said hell yes. If I'd've known, I would've _definitely_ said hell yes."

His cheeks colored as he smiled. Pulling the mistletoe down from above our heads and staring at it before throwing it away. "Well shit. Seems like Kenpachi's, Orihime's, and my plotting seems like half a waste." An evil smirk split his face.

I felt like I was smacked in the face. "_You?! And-And Orihime?! And KENPACHI?!"_

He threw his head back as he wrapped his arms around my neck, pressing fully against me. Despite myself, I felt laughter pushing past my lips. "Yer fuckin' _devious_, Ichigo."

The smirk he gave me was devastating and my knees felt wobbly after being on the receiving end. "Well duh. I have to be in order to grab yer attention, _Grimmie-chan._"

I smirked and twisted us around, throwing him on top of whoever's desk this was. With a quick glance I snorted –Kenpachi's, go figure –and then climbed over top of him. Finally, I gripped his suit shirt and began pulling it off like I'd always wanted, revealing smooth silky skin.

I kissed and tasted every inch I could reach and he vocally showed his appreciation. _Loudly. _Well if that wasn't a confidence booster, I don't know what was.

I rubbed up and down his muscled chest as I watched him panting, staring at me hotly in the dim lighting, skin glowing red with it. A shark's grin grew on my face as I pulled off the rest of his clothes but froze, surprise covering my face. There was a big red bow wrapped around his lower waist. I glanced at it widely then up into his eyes. He smiled warmly. "Merry Christmas Grimm."

My smirk was back tenfold, "Yer my gift?" At his nod I cackled and licked up his neck. "Best damn gift ever." He chuckled into my ear and I dug into the most delectable present I'd ever been given. As my clothes finally joined his on the floor, I kissed up and down his abdomen.

As we finally became one, I kissed his lips hotly, happily, contently. He sighed against my lips and I felt the calming deep inside my soul. I couldn't help thinking if I could spend every Christmas like this with him, the holidays wouldn't be so bad. Especially with someone I cared about, together in love and in happiness.

Our kiss grew hotter and more passionate, panting gasps filled the office as we moved more desperately against each other.

"Ah! Ah! _AH! K-KENPACHI!"_

Our eyes flew wide open and we stared wide eyed at each other, frozen stiff in shock. We both glanced at the closed door before we looked back into each other's eyes. And we burst out laughing, forehead against forehead.

"Merry Christmas Ichigo."

He chuckled against my smile. "Merry Christmas, Grimm. Oh, love ya too, by the way."

~.:. End of Mistletoe Fiasco.:.~

HAPPY HOLIDAYS! Oh, and HAHAHAHAHAAAA! I love KenKaku so DEAL! ( 8D

This was supposed to be funny. I hope so! If not, THEN I FAIL! LOL HAVE FUN WITH ALL THE HOLIDAY WARRIORS AND HUM BUGGERS! (I won't lie… I'm a hum bugger…) Hope yer Christmas OR WHICHEVER HOLIDAY YOU MAY OR MAY NOT CELEBRATE is merry and bright!

Love ya guys! **LET ME KNOW IF I SHOULD DO MORE STORIES LIKE THIS ONE OR NOT!**

UNTIL NEXT TIME!

~8DRainbowManVan8D


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